Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Control




I envy a friend of mine who always seems to be at peace. It must be genetic—and unfair: he never heard his father raise his voice. Who can do that?

Some think I pray a lot—I pray because I need it. I often turn to Welcoming Prayer. I’m really good at Steps 1 and 2. From the sound of it, the Psalmists were also very good at Steps 1 and 2: feeling the feeling, and affirming, by god, my right to feel this way!!! Usually multiple exclamation marks are appropriate here.

My peaceful friend’s father who never raised his voice? My mother was a pot-cusser, slamming cabinets, pots, etc. I think I’m a little more peaceful than my mother but sometimes I wonder.

Step 3 I struggle with—woefully: Letting go. Giving up control. Often I forget this step (conveniently?). I may indeed know better. I may indeed have the best motives. But I have to give up control… and it’s easier said than done.

I learned long ago that another friend who always sought out my advice was never actually going to follow said advice. What makes me think people who have not sought my advice are going to do any better? How long will I wander around this mountain of wanting to control?

Sometimes I just can’t make it better. I can only pray for us, loosen my clenched teeth, and let it go.

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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Spiritual Community

I respectfully disagree with a favorite blogger I follow regarding his recent post. Of course, I know that church community is not for everyone… and many church communities in particular are not for everyone. As a gay man, many, MANY churches are not for me.

I’m sure many others can and have said it more eloquently than me—both for and against church. And I’m not even suggesting you must be part of a church. I grew up Pentecostal believing one did have to be part of a church to be saved. I no longer believe in either of those components, the church or being saved. There was outrage in my community a while back about signs stating one could be good without God. I wholeheartedly agree that you can be good without both God and especially church.

Still, being part of a diverse faith community offers so much. You can get by without it but life is so much fuller with it.

I speak as one who was really just planning to come, eat, and go with church. I really wanted to stay anonymous. My church currently has a number of these (who I think are missing out, even as they are part of this faith community).

As a former Pentecostal, I was interested in Bible study kind of stuff so I would come, eat, Bible study, and then go. Maybe give up just a bit of my anonymity. Then along came helping my church become officially open, welcoming and affirming of LGBT people. And a committee here and there. At some point I found myself in the deep end of the pool, so to speak.

I’ll tell you what I don’t like about church: older members I’ve come to love who decline in health. Then die—sometimes suddenly, sometimes a slow and very sad decline. I love college students and young parents with families making their way in the university. I don’t love that they leave just when I thought they would stay here forever, even as I must be happy for them getting tenured positions at other universities. I really love the retired couples who retire to our community and our faith community. But they will be the ones declining in health in a few years.

They all are teaching me something out holding and letting go. Some Sunday mornings I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. And how do I make reconcile both feelings with the Gospel?

Life in a faith community is not easy. I’ve had a falling out with my pastor. I’ve watched things fall apart. I’ve dealt with difficult people (not the pastor). In the midst of all of it, I have been challenged—and called—to live like Jesus. Hug the pastor. Put the pieces back together. Learn to deal with difficult people. Proclaim the Gospel together and be surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad